On the very day that I posted my last blog entry, love swept into my life... although I did not know it at the time. LOVE is a scary word for me, but it is something I have been journaling about quite a bit. CJEA has certainly opened me up to dreaming bigger than I ever had before, but now that my dreams are coming true I don't really know what to do with them. I very rarely hear this side of things. Lately, with "The Secret" being such a hit, it is now quite popular and acceptable to manifest the life of our dreams... I am beginning to think that a common reaction to people's desires coming to fruition is: OH S%!T, WHAT DO I DO NOW? Dreams are very different from reality. Our dreams are safe... they can be whatever we want them to be. But when they work their way into the world of form, they have to contend with our fears... like: Do I really deserve this? Am I going to drop the ball? How are other people going to react to this? Is this really what I want? When our dreams begin coming true, they unquestionably stir the pot as life is being restructured to accommodate them. It may feel like chaos. We are stepping out of the familiar world and into a space of infinite potential... which, for me, feels like being dumped into the middle of the ocean with three miles below me that I cannot see and all I can imagine are the sharks moving in on the smell of my fear. During the fall intensive, Lucia said something that has helped me immeasurably: CHAOS IS SIMPLY THAT SPACE THAT EXISTS BETWEEN AN OLD ORDER AND A NEW ORDER. This simple statement keeps me moving forward through those moments when my thoughts and feelings are trying to make me run back to the world I know. So I journal. ALOT. And I pray that the fall-out of Love's fruition becomes the fuel I need to grow into the woman that God intends for me to be.Friday, January 4, 2008
So, What Now?
On the very day that I posted my last blog entry, love swept into my life... although I did not know it at the time. LOVE is a scary word for me, but it is something I have been journaling about quite a bit. CJEA has certainly opened me up to dreaming bigger than I ever had before, but now that my dreams are coming true I don't really know what to do with them. I very rarely hear this side of things. Lately, with "The Secret" being such a hit, it is now quite popular and acceptable to manifest the life of our dreams... I am beginning to think that a common reaction to people's desires coming to fruition is: OH S%!T, WHAT DO I DO NOW? Dreams are very different from reality. Our dreams are safe... they can be whatever we want them to be. But when they work their way into the world of form, they have to contend with our fears... like: Do I really deserve this? Am I going to drop the ball? How are other people going to react to this? Is this really what I want? When our dreams begin coming true, they unquestionably stir the pot as life is being restructured to accommodate them. It may feel like chaos. We are stepping out of the familiar world and into a space of infinite potential... which, for me, feels like being dumped into the middle of the ocean with three miles below me that I cannot see and all I can imagine are the sharks moving in on the smell of my fear. During the fall intensive, Lucia said something that has helped me immeasurably: CHAOS IS SIMPLY THAT SPACE THAT EXISTS BETWEEN AN OLD ORDER AND A NEW ORDER. This simple statement keeps me moving forward through those moments when my thoughts and feelings are trying to make me run back to the world I know. So I journal. ALOT. And I pray that the fall-out of Love's fruition becomes the fuel I need to grow into the woman that God intends for me to be.
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3 comments:
Hi Amanda!
This is my first time blogging here, and I just lost all the stuff I had already written.
Just briefly on love... I suffer from fear and anxiety because I always think that the past is going to repeat itself in some way. And of course, when I say this I mean, all bad things, and worse...
Living in faith is hard. I read on the Big Book the other day : "Faith is courage", and I also read: "resentment is poison". So, lately what has worked for me is to work a lot on my resentments and try to walk in faith, beliving that I am in God's hands, and that it is safe to be there.
Being in love instead of being in fear all the time is a hard thing to do. For some it is a natural thing, but not for me, for me, it is work. It has gotten easier. I am not in the same place I was 3 years ago, or a year ago..., thank God I am on my 30's... I think I have gained a lot of insight in this last years and I have implemented enough change in my life that I am able to believe today that it is possible.
So, this days, I have fear, but I do it anyway.... I mean love..., I am not willing to do any self destructive stuff ... anymore.
I had a blast at the workshop, very nice. You are a gentle presence, I like your energy.
I also loved the paintings Chris is buying from you. I hope that one day Chris and I will enjoy them in our home...
CHEERS
Now, almost two years later, you and Chris ARE enjoying my art in your home together! It's funny that you ended up being the one who made the purchase :)
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